It's a new year and the first chance...

I've had to make any entries in weeks.

When I started to write here, I did it under the assumption that no one would ever read this and that I could say whatever was on my mind at any given time. However, I have acquired a small readership (which I am grateful for...) and so I had to start to watch what I was saying on here after all.

No more. This past calendar year has been (with the notable exception of anything to do with Littlecaveman and Mrs. Mattcaveman) absolutely atrocious for me. I have discovered what a mental, quivering, nerve-wracked mess I am and how much emotional baggage I have carried over the years. And, guess what, unlike every other person in the "I have no secrets era.", until now have tried to keep most of it to myself as much as possible. I will continue to do so, so don't comment or ask me about it. I have also come to the conclusion watching the majority of family members, that I may have a genetic disposition (and there certainly is an environmental one) for alcoholism. The last month particularly, I have craved liquor just about every waking moment. I haven't drank that much, but the feeling is there, and that scares the hell out of me.

My in-laws have been great. My own family leaves me feeling isolated and unwanted (I am an obligation of blood, and as I have a little one they want to see, used as a tool to that end and nothing more.) Case in point, I finally got my driver's licence this year, and the first reaction of an unnamed relative was "Great, now you can bring Littcaveman over more."

I suffer from panic attacks, usually brought on by the thought of social interaction. (I also suffer them whenever money is mentioned these days, because although our family is doing OK, I am not. Again, I will not talk about it.) Groups bigger than four adults, or more than two children being present, bring on anxiety in myself (I am afraid this is being passed on the Littlecaveman.) Also, the thought of last minute planning also freaks me out. I need time to plan things, as much as possible. I can not handle being spontaneous anymore, and I get panicked and upset when people call me in the morning to do something that evening. I need to build myself up in order to handle social interaction (and that does include gaming. Luckily, our gaming group plan stuff weeks to months in advance, giving me the time I need there to be comfortable.) Also, and I can not stress this enough, I spent 35 years hanging out at other people's homes and apartments, etc... I now own a house that I do not want to leave that often, as it is the first place that is mine, that I truly feel comfortable at. I never feel comfortable at other people's homes, I always feel like I am intruding, even when invited (Part of the baggage I mentioned earlier. Years of friends' parents saying things like "He's still here?" to my friends where I could hear it leads to paranoia...)

Anyways, take what you want from this and be mad if you need to be, one of the problems I have had is that I bottle up crap way too much and only complain to Mrs. Mattcaveman, and she says do something about it, so this was an attempt to get crap off my chest so I can try to make 2011 a good year. (Comic books have helped.) Next time, I will be back to the old ways for the blog.